And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
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If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Go hard or stay average
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper