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cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
wow he looks just like him
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.