My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
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triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
My new favorite headline
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit