Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
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My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
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Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
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Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.