Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
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Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
*performs CPR on the turkey*
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.