My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
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WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE