if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
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“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.