“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.