My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
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I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber