STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
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My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
This might be me.
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ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”