my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
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Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Seek kebab; not attention
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.