Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
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Science memes
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?