me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
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Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
A woman drives into a bar.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”