40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
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It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Breaking news:
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.