I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
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Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT