Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
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If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
my favorite genre of twitter
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.