There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
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me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.