sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
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A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I know
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃