I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
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No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.