Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
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dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Bed should get ready for ME
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Seems legit
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Here’s a meme
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap