I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
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If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Birds & Planes.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?