It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
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I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
same energy
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.