Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
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[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
oppen heimer style lol
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Chicken bread
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters