Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

mumsnet is amazing

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

This makes total sense…

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat