Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
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fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Google Pay be like:
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Seas the day!!!!
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”