Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
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13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.