Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
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Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem