I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine