I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Rather alarming headline…
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.