Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

The absolute effort that went into this omg

A friend sent me this.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

Twitter is the new flypaper.

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

This is my brand.

Called it

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?