I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
ok this is my dumbest yet
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January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.