ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
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King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.