King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
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ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
when there are deer in the woods
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.