New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
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ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Thrilling chase underway
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.