My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
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This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.