Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
going to the ER y’all need anything
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist