Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
i guess his teacher was really pissed
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Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
The symmetry is uncanny.
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Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*