@katiefzack

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

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@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

@Beer4AGoodTime

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

@suzieQ0007

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

@sara_ashlynn

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

@ericsshadow

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

@__denski

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

@KeetPotato

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

@Aamir_Tweetz

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

@WilliamAder

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?