@sofarrsogud WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
@katiefzack Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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@sofarrsogud 
@Beer4AGoodTime Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
@suzieQ0007 At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
@sara_ashlynn When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
@ericsshadow My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
@__denski *in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
@KeetPotato wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
@Aamir_Tweetz Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
@awordforaword Dead
Alive
Other✔
@WilliamAder Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?