Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

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WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*


Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.


At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.


When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.


My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.


*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.


Applicant: 8PM.



wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”


Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?


Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?