Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.