So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
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My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
my proudest tweet
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
jesus christ confetti not now
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..