It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
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my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?