Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
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The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.