‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
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11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
This is me 🤣🤣
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About