oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.