14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
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Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I have so many questions.
Monday Lisa
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall