I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
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I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Called it
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.