date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
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DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Seas the day!!!!
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.