[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
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Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro