[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
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Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.