Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
You Might Also Like
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I just love that new Pope smell.
X-tra spooky blend
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat