when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
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Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.