I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
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doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*