ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
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Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I think about this a lot
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty