me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
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Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?