butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
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Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.