[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
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As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
A classic…
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
my one true gender
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.