NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
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My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Dead sexy!!
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Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal