I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!